Guest Column: Barack Obama

Editors Note: We here at LewP’s Blog like to hear from different perspectives.  Therefore, we were over-joyed when Barack Obama contacted us and said he’d like to write a guest column.

 

Now that I’m president, here’s four things I want you people to stop doing.

 

1. Rhythymically yelling O-Bam-A when you see me

Seriously, when I walk up to a podium, stop f*&king chanting my name like I just shredded on a three and a half minute guitar solo. I get it, you like me, I guessed that from the 300+ electoral votes I received.  I’m not a fat sorority chick, I don’t need you to tell me how awesome I am every three seconds.  You guys think the chant is awesome, but news-f*&king-flash, that’s all I hear in my head all day long.  Do you know how hard it is to make love to your wife when you hear the sound of 100,000 people chanting your name?  It’s like making a porno on the fifty yard line of soldier field during the fourth quarter of a playoff game.  Not boner-conducive.  No mas.

2. Asking Colin Powell his reactions to shit I do: 

Really?  That’s the only black guy you can find?  The last time I listened to something that boring I paid 9.99 for it and it was sung by Jon Mayer.   Last I checked, there’s lots of black dudes in the U.S., find one that doesn’t sound like my GPS navigation system.

3. Asking Me About Playing Basketball: 

Every interview you need to ask me this?  It’s REC BASKETBALL, it’s not like I’m the small forward for the Pistons.  99% of the time I play with old sweaty dudes that shoot a basketball like they’re trying to shove a rapist off them.  It’s not news worthy, and what ends up happening is now I go and play and everyone is all over my shit because they want to “shut down Obama.” 

 

4. No More Bullshit About What Kind Of Dog We’re Getting

I told you guys before that we were still talking about what kind of dog we’re going to get. Do you know what happens when you ask me what kind of dog we’re getting? My kids ask me what kind of dog we’re getting, and kids are like white people who voted for me: they won’t shut the f*&k up about it. Honestly, I don’t really care what it is. I’ve got a whole team of people now who’s sole job it is to take care of whatever dog I get. I’m probably not even gonna see the stupid thing. Oh, and also, I’m trying to run the entire god damned free world now, so the whole dog issue is very low priority, okay? If one more person asks me about the dog thing, I’m gonna flip out. Don’t think that just because I’m sophisticated and smart I can’t get ghetto on somebody. I got it in me, ya hear?!

When you are the President, you need a trusting aide

Reggie Love, Senator Barack Obama’s personal aide, relieved him of a pen

In the last year, Barack Obama has learned a thing or two about running for president, and Reggie Love has learned a thing or two about Barack Obama.

Mr. Love now knows that when it comes to food, Senator Obama “eats pretty much anything, from chicken wings and barbecue and ribs to grilled fish and steamed broccoli.” But when he is campaigning in a small town with limited options, a cheeseburger is always a good bet. (“Cheddar is the cheese of choice,” Mr. Love added.)

Continue reading

On the Court and on the Trail, One Aide Looms Over Obama (New York Times)

What are the black trucks in a Presidential Motorcade?

Have you ever wondered what all those extra SUVs are in the Presidential or VIP motorcades? You know, the ones with severely tinted windows. The SUV’s that no one gets in or out. Maybe they are Unmarked ‘black helicopters’ on four wheels…

Well, wonder no more. They have a 6 barreled 7.62 mm mini gun. They Fire over 4,000 rounds per minute The wipers need to be run to remove Spent casings when the weapon is firing.

This video is from the company that makes this happen. The vehicle is also armor plated.

The Dallas Cowboys are a bunch of undisciplined dudes

New information is slowly leaking out about some of the issues that were a part of the disastrous 2008 season of the Dallas Cowboys. The beat reporter for the Dallas Morning News’ Calvin Watkins is reporting today that the Cowboys were often late for meetings and team travel charters for games. And it appears that if a player were late for events, they had their hands slapped, but just barely.

Multiple sources close to the team paint a picture of turmoil inside the locker room far greater than originally thought, and the organization is determined to solve the problems. Sources say there were many issues this season that call into question team discipline, commitment and accountability.

The team charter left late for road games five times this season because players were late to the airport according to three sources. The total represented more than half of the eight regular season away games. Sources declined to name the late players. The Philadelphia trip was delayed by more than an hour.

Phillips may not be completely to blame for the smaller fines. A source said Phillips asked Jones to raise the fine total but was rebuffed by the owner.

Jones acknowledged some players are late for meetings. However, he said sometimes a player is late because he has to meet his media responsibilities or had a legitimate excuse.

So there you have it. The Cowboys are a team of misfits and with very little leadership making them accountable for being goof-offs. There are so many people that believe changing coaches is the only answer to these problems with the Cowboys, but I think when it’s all said and done, Jerry Jones could be the biggest reason for the problems here that he created. I’m pretty sure word on the street got to opposing teams if you just punch em in the mouth, the Cowboys would fold due to their spoiled baby appearence. The hits just keep on coming with this team don’t they?

 

Sources: Dallas Cowboys often tardy, undisciplined in ’08 (Dallas Morning News)