The on again off again of heart worries

Good morning. It’s about 4:30 AM on a Saturday morning and I have just made me some coffee as today is another work day for me. Most of you are enjoying a great night’s sleep I would imagine. Not me. You see, when you have heart issues, part of the problem with the heart is worry.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not in any pain. But I just feel like something is going on in there. Maybe it’s just a delayed relayed reaction to the surgery I had last week. The stent and angioplasty in my artery. By the way, did you know my spell check can’t spell stent correctly?

Fear. Like wondering where the 300 pound gorilla is in your one bedroom apartment is hiding. He’s here somewhere. I’m sooo tired of worrying about my heart. Maybe me listening to my co-worker Jack at work yesterday started me thinking. Jack was telling me about his by-pass surgery and how they had to break his chest bone cavity to get to his heart and how they stapled him back up. (No Jack, I don’t want to see the scar).

I had been feeling great after my last hospital visit last week. My mood elevator was at the top of the charts. And then this feeling in my chest, this feeling of something in there, sort of took me down a bit. I hate to worry, but I can’t help it. I want to feel thankful and appreciate the fact that I’m even alive, but I offset that by saying I hate pain. Will it come back? Can I trust my heart not to surprise me again? Where the hell is that gorilla?

I take a sip of coffee. I try to calm down.

I was thinking yesterday how I must look to you all out there. The old man with heart problems. I respond to that by saying life isn’t guaranteed to any of us. I just read a story about three young girls ages 16, 15, and 15 all dying in a bad car wreck in south Dallas. What a shame. Truly a shame. But life isn’t guaranteed to any of us.

Perhaps I’m so paranoid, the paranoia woke me up.  Maybe I just think there is a gorilla in my apartment.

And then again, maybe the stents in my heart are sort of adjusting themselves to operate better? Who knows. I’ll talk it over with my doctor this coming Thursday at my appointment. Until then, I hope you all sleep great. I won’t.

(UPDATE 7:00 AM) I’m at the Kroger store by my work having bacon and eggs. I wanted to come on in because I didn’t want to be alone and feeling this way. The eggs make me feel nauseous. I think I’m going to be fine, but man, I sure am tired already. I wish I was back home in my recliner snoozing. God, I hope the rest of my life isn’t like this. It’s good to have people around me in the store. I need to make a trip to the bathroom. The Chinese food from last night didn’t sit well. Maybe that’s part of the problem?

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