I’m losing it.

Seriously, I don’t know how many more posts I have in me. I feel pretty lame I’m acting this way. Sharing my inner-most feelings on the internet. But you see, when you get down far enough, you will do anything.

I dwell on my health about 100% of the time now. It makes me sick to talk about my sickness so much. I have never been this way in my life. But then again, before July 15 2008, I’ve never had any health issues. Nada, none. I smoked, drank, ate any kind of food in any amount I wanted to. Now I have 2nd thoughts if someone even mentions chicken wings.

This post isn’t meant to humor or entertain. I am bearing my soul to the world. I need to figure some things out or I’m going to lose my mind. Let me try to give you an analogy here. Let’s say you had a broken arm. It’s painful and you thought your doctor fixed it and you could be getting healthy again, except you found out for some reason your arm is getting weaker, not stronger after your doctor was supposed to fix it. Now imagine it’s your heart, and there is no room for error. This is your life!

I hate it! I hate the situation I’m in!!!!!

I am going to go in to my cardiac rehab class tomorrow and withdraw because i can’t even do that. I get too tired and run out of steam when I go to rehab. That can not be a good sign.

So here is my revised plan, and really, I don’t know what is gonna happen if this doesn’t work.

1) I am going to try and hang on until I can apply for short-term disability. Open enrollment should be around October. I don’t know if I can make it that long, but that’s my only choice.

2) Change cardiologists. I find it pretty amazing that my current cardiologist isn’t taking any new appointments until June.

Hopefully, my new cardiologist will have some clue as to how to fix what is broken with me.

My mental state is terrible now. I am depressed, lonely, and frankly, I have been known to just bust out crying at any moment of the day. I look like an old geezer with no pride, but hey, I’m scared!!!!

I am planning to find a church. I need to do so quickly. I can’t believe my life has changed soooo dramatically soooo fast!!! I am calling on any and all people to leave comments, encourage me. I also want to say that if I have done anyone wrong on this planet, I am truly sorry. I just don’t want to fight any more. I just am trying to say I have made so many mistakes, and I am sorry.

And please friends, please do your best to eat right, love life, and treat people right. Please do that for yourselves.


I love you all!



Filed under General Topics, health

6 responses to “I’m losing it.

  1. 1st of all, Lew, you know I love you!

    2ndly, I want you to think of all the tough trials you have been through… and lived through. You are far stronger than you think (and than you give yourself credit for…) Focus your thoughts on what you have conquered and channel that energy to conquering this, too… AND YOU WILL!

    There’s power in positive thoughts. There is power in prayer (that’s where we find miracles!) And, remember this: We don’t get what we deserve out of life… if we did, people like you would be zillionaires! We get what we EXPECT. I want you to EXPECT to overcome this and EXPECT to be back to the Lew we all know and love (and, most importantly, the Lew you know and love)

    EXPECT the very best! Often, you will find yourself surprised when you get it!

    You have my number – call me any time!
    Love ya,

  2. lewp

    Thank you Shelby. Your words mean so much to me. I will harbor them and think on them. Thank you so much.

  3. angeladuran


    Thank you for sharing your heart so openly. I am praying for you.

    The Lord wants to do a great work in your life. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2Corinthians 12:9


  4. lewp

    Thank you so much Angela. Thank you for taking the time to post such a strong message.

  5. Visceral Faith Collective


    I know your daughter, Karin, and have seen God doing some crazy healing in her heart lately, which I truly believe will lead to the restoration of her flesh.

    I have a heart for those in dispair and want to offer to you two things: 1) Communication with an intent on restoration. 2) An invitation to a men’s retreat intensive this Father’s Day weekend just outside of Austin where much of what could benefit you in moving from soul decay to renewal will be offered.

    If any of this stirs your hope, you let me know.

    May the hope of resurrection well up inside of you, and may you choose Life,
    Visceral Faith Collective

  6. lewp

    Thank you V.F.C.!
    It collectively stirs my hope. Thank you.

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