Seriously, I don’t know how many more posts I have in me. I feel pretty lame I’m acting this way. Sharing my inner-most feelings on the internet. But you see, when you get down far enough, you will do anything.
I dwell on my health about 100% of the time now. It makes me sick to talk about my sickness so much. I have never been this way in my life. But then again, before July 15 2008, I’ve never had any health issues. Nada, none. I smoked, drank, ate any kind of food in any amount I wanted to. Now I have 2nd thoughts if someone even mentions chicken wings.
This post isn’t meant to humor or entertain. I am bearing my soul to the world. I need to figure some things out or I’m going to lose my mind. Let me try to give you an analogy here. Let’s say you had a broken arm. It’s painful and you thought your doctor fixed it and you could be getting healthy again, except you found out for some reason your arm is getting weaker, not stronger after your doctor was supposed to fix it. Now imagine it’s your heart, and there is no room for error. This is your life!
I hate it! I hate the situation I’m in!!!!!
I am going to go in to my cardiac rehab class tomorrow and withdraw because i can’t even do that. I get too tired and run out of steam when I go to rehab. That can not be a good sign.
So here is my revised plan, and really, I don’t know what is gonna happen if this doesn’t work.
1) I am going to try and hang on until I can apply for short-term disability. Open enrollment should be around October. I don’t know if I can make it that long, but that’s my only choice.
2) Change cardiologists. I find it pretty amazing that my current cardiologist isn’t taking any new appointments until June.
Hopefully, my new cardiologist will have some clue as to how to fix what is broken with me.
My mental state is terrible now. I am depressed, lonely, and frankly, I have been known to just bust out crying at any moment of the day. I look like an old geezer with no pride, but hey, I’m scared!!!!
I am planning to find a church. I need to do so quickly. I can’t believe my life has changed soooo dramatically soooo fast!!! I am calling on any and all people to leave comments, encourage me. I also want to say that if I have done anyone wrong on this planet, I am truly sorry. I just don’t want to fight any more. I just am trying to say I have made so many mistakes, and I am sorry.
And please friends, please do your best to eat right, love life, and treat people right. Please do that for yourselves.
I love you all!